Sharp, Provolone Piccante Cheese (Whole Wheel) Approximately 60 Lbs

I am still recovering from this weekend when I was the laughing stock of the entire Mariposa County Cheese Rolling 'Rollapalooza'. I purchased this cheese "WHEEL" as a last minute replacement for my trusty 75 lbs Pecorino Wheel which got defaced by local youths. Still, I was looking forward to chasing a lighter "WHEEL" down the hill this would give me more dynamic control over the direction of the roll. On the morning of the competition, imagine my distress when, dressed proudly in my regional colours and nearly-new cleats, I unwrapped the package to what turns out to be an OVAL-SHAPED cheese. This is NOT A WHEEL. Repeat: NOT A WHEEL. It is OVAL. Needless to say, you can imagine the rest (which was broadcast live on local TV AND one internet channel note: the comments below the video are disgusting and defamatory). So why the two stars? As I bundled downhill behind the bouncing OVAL, arch-rivals roaring past in mirth, some chunks dislodged and the cheese itself was creamy and ripe. This is not a competition cheese. AVOID. If anyone wants it, I abandoned it in rage at the bottom of Greeley Hill, Mariposa County on Sunday afternoon (from the 49 North, take the 132 East). It should still be okay.

My dog Baxter ate the whole wheel of cheese before I could get to it. I'm not mad though. It was kind of amazing. I'll buy another one next paycheck.

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Hi, there, Mr. Amazon. This is me, Hortence, from the Shady Grove Nursing Home? A few weeks ago I ordered a cheese from you?

Well, to tell you the truth, I've been hoping for quite a while that old Mr. Romano across the hall might be interested in getting better, well, acquainted, so I saved up for months (SSI only goes so far, you know, and medicare doesn't pay for all the things you might think it does)to buy your Sharp, Provocative and Piquant cheese (Whole Wheel) approximately 60 pounds, Shipping Weight: 65 pounds, ASIN: B0029XZAUQ as found on www.amazon.com, made from FRESH cow's milk, Product of Italy. I wanted to buy the Brunello di Monticello wine but I was afraid by the time I saved up for that, too, either me or Mr. Romano would be dead.

I also found that you can purchase an interesting array of feminine undergarments online but that will be a different product review, if you don't mind. I'll just say that the product descriptions definitely do not adequately explain those items. I almost asphyxiated in that push up bra but fortunately Madge was coming down the hall with her walker and saw me with The Girls shoved up over my nose, struggling to breathe, and she managed to pop the clasp. That sucker shot all the way down to the nurse's station. I think they are going to use it for Field Day next week. Something about having a melon slinging contest.

Oh, sorry, I got distracted. I was talking to you about the Provocative 60 pound cheese. Mr. Romano was clipping his nose hairs and I hated to interrupt him, being mostly blind he really needs to concentrate what with those scissors so close to his nose, but I was so excited about the Provocative Cheese that I couldn't wait to invite him to my room. I'd even used a new can of Lysol, that Fresh Linen one, you know? Because I thought, um, Linen...

I had to yell at Mr. Romano a couple times because he can't hear so good either, but he finally figured out that I had cheese and crackers and not that I was wheezing and hacking. I think he'd been looking forward to a Special Event, too, because he had some of those little bottles of liquor from the airlines, saved up from that time about 15 years ago when he flew to Long Island and visited his no good louse of a son.

Madge had helped me get the cheese up on the bedside tray. You know, 60 pounds is one mother effing big chunk of cheese. I'm just quoting Madge. I would never say that. It was really difficult to balance that sucker on the tray, what with it being cheap aluminum and the one leg broke off from that time Mr. Finster tripped over it while trying to cop a feel. Nasty man. Ugly toenails.

So Madge helped me get the cheese tray set up all pretty, she borrowed a couple nice paper plates from the lunch room, one had irises on it and one was a real pretty bunch of balloons that said Happy First Birthday. We had some nice napkins too, those kind that have little flowers embossed on them? Not the brown ones. I'd put my teeth in, so that cup was rinsed out and then we had the plastic cup from the bathroom. It really looked festive.

Madge made her excuses and left. Mr. Romano poured us each a gin, vodka and zinfandel cocktail. I offered to serve and reached for the plastic knife I'd pocketed during lunch today.

I believe that you should post a disclaimer on this product that you need a very large and sharp knife in order to cut through 60 pounds of Provocative cheese. I had to sort of saw at it. Part of the little plastic knife broke off and flew across the tray, hitting Mr. Romano smack in the eye. He jumped up, yelling that the Germans were attacking, and dove for the bunker. He accidentally knocked the bedside tray over and the cheese landed on his head.

It was a really nice funeral, his no good louse of a son sent flowers and a cake. I think old Mr. Schmidt was making eyes at me. So I was wondering, do you have any sauerkraut on your website?

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Very frustrating. Did not come with manual and I can't find one online except something that seems to be Italian. Without instructions this is impossible to figure out. Would return along with the 5 gallon bottle of Chianti I bought to accompany it, but the shipping is so expensive it's more cost effective to put it in the back field as a cheese lick for the wild animals.

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I was cut very badly while attempting to enjoy this cheese.

I advise that you extreme caution due to the sharp nature. Keep a first aid kit on hand while using this product.

It was very good quality though.